Because I Said So…

Presidential candidate Alan Keyes might be leaving the GOP.  In a conference call with supporters last week, Keyes apparently said staying in the Republican Party would be “an occasion of sin” and he is ready to bolt.

Keyes really dislikes John McCain, in addition to every other candidate, so the Bizzaro World Obama wants no part in selecting the “type of deodorant we need to make a stinking candidate acceptable to conservatives.” A Keyes supporter who took part in the conference call confirmed to Radar that the former Reagan administration official said, “he could no longer remain in the Republican Party.”

But never fear.  The Keyes campaign will not die.  He hinted in January that he might go for a third party bid and an e-mail sent out by the campaign after the call includes a link for supporters who “want to vote for Alan as your 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice on the Constitution Party presidential poll.”

A Keyes message board commenter who claims to have been on the conference call last night said regarding the possibility of a Constitution Party run that, “Alan asked us to pray about it. That’s what he is doing as he is considering these things. He did not say he’s definately [sic] going to do it, but from the tone of things I am going to say it’s very likely.”

Lucky for Keyes, I have the Pope on speed dial.  Well, actually that’s Chili’s, but while I’m waiting for the Pope to get back to me I can put in an order for an Awesome Blossom.  I can’t say it enough:  God bless America.

Looks like Ron Paul’s presidential campaign is ending now that the GOP has spoken and wants 100-year-war McCain as its leader.  To continue beyond this point would be ludicrous, and we all know Paul has run a sensible campaign until this point.

Jesse Benton, Paul campaign’s communication manager, said Friday that the Texas congressman is ending his run for the White House:  “We are acknowledging that Ron will not be the nominee and that we are winding down the campaign.”   

Paul already hinted the end was near in a video to supporters posted on YouTube on Thursday:

Oh, Paul.  Though you will never be the U.S. president–unless it blew up and you were sole survivor and even then you’d have some competition with Michael Jackson’s former pet Ben–you will always be the president of our Internets.  The obscure politician with fringe politics used the Web to raise a staggering $30 million dollars.  At one point, Ron Paul’s YouTube videos accounted for five of the top 10 candidate videos, with the largest overall viewership of any candidate.  So, farewell Mr. Internet.  Hail, to the chief. 

Presidential hopeful Mike Gravel isn’t interested in getting votes during his campaign.  Instead, the 77-year-old former Alaska Senator wants his idea to save the country to get some recognition.

The plan is called the National Initiative and involves passing a constitutional amendment that would move the U.S. from a representative democracy to a direct democracy by having all laws voted on in federal ballot initiatives.  Apparently Gravel is thrilled that his candidacy for the Democratic nomination is giving his ideas a wider reach.

Another plus?  He is bigger than J-Lo.  “The day I filed for office I got more attention on the initiative than I had in 15 years,” Gravel told me. “I was getting off a plane and Jennifer Lopez was getting her bags — I didn’t recognize her, someone told me — and no one came up to her, but three people came up and pumped my hand,” Gravel told Time reporter Joel Stein. 

But the Christmas light-bulb sized spotlight might be making Gravel a bit conceited.  During a speech at Harvard, Gravel told a crimson crowd that he had more charisma than front-runner challenger Barack Obama.  That’s like the Beatles saying they’re bigger than Jesus.  You just don’t do it unless you’ve been officially declared insane or you are God.

Moreover, the little attention Gravel procured has made him more paranoid than usual.  He fears he’s such a threat to the military industry complex that he wants to dismantle a sign that says his campaign headquarters in Virginia is on the third floor of a building. 

Poor Grandpa Gravel even thinks teachers are after him: 

The ex-Alaska Senator’s campaign got a blip of national attention over a surreal campaign YouTube video in which he stares at the camera, throws a rock in the water and walks away. “Two young teachers said I’d like to shoot a video. I said, ‘What do they want me to do?’ They said, ‘Throw a rock in the water.’ I said, ‘Great. I’ll give them an hour.’ So I look in the camera for a full minute and all I can think is I look dumb as s–t,” Gravel says.

Regardless, Gravel plans to stick with the campaign through November.  He even said he’d consider running on the Libertarian Party ticket or as a member of another third party.  What an attention whore.

Ron Paul maniacs should brace themselves.  Today, could be the day Paul gets booted from Congress. 

The 20-year congressman is facing a challenge from Chris Peden, the personable Republican mayor pro tem of Friendswood, who says Paul is out there “to make a point, not a difference.” Peden noted that out of 351 pieces of legislation Paul has sponsored, only six have made it out of committee and none has ever passed. 

As Wonkette noted last week that “to many of his constituents in Texas Congressional District 14, Paul is just a blame-America-first attention whore who completely ignores the people who put him in office. There are no Democrats running in the 14th District primary today— so if Ron Paul loses, he will have the honor of being a double loser in the eyes of his beloved constituents.”

Yikes–perhaps Paul’s fear of the backlash his run for presidency wrought is the reason he avoided debating Peden.  Here’s a video of Paul, flustered as he rants about why he won’t.  His response?  Peden should go “debate himself.”

Alan Keyes — who served as Assistant Secretary of State for under Ronald Reagan and has been hiding out in Texas since February – ended his campaign with an election-eve “Rally for America’s Revival” March 3 at the University of North Texas.

Surely the “complete conservative”  wowed the crowd with gems like this speech from his Lincoln-Reagan Dinner:

 ”If we want to win the victory [as a party], we’ve got to stop pretending to ourselves that we shall win it by scaring people to death with our Hillary masks, our Obama masks, and our bogeyman rhetoric. It has worked once or twice, but I can promise you, it will not work this time — any more than scaring them with Democrat control of Congress secured our victory in 2006. No, if we want their trust back, and their faith back, and their allegiance back, then we must trust the truths upon which this country was built….our allegiance to the authority of our God.”

First, I know I said a “crowd” of supporters would be at Keyes’ gala.  But is five people considered a crowd if three of them are family members, one is a janitor and the other is a homeless guy lured in with the promise of whiskey and a half-eaten egg salad sandwich? 

At any rate I’m sure it was swell.  I hope he wore his “Obama mask” to the rally!

Chris Dodd endorsed Barack Obama’s candidacy Tuesday.  The Connecticut senator became the first former candidate in this year’s Democratic campaign to endorse a rival.  He urged Democrats to unify behind Obama and warned against bitter party-dividing attacks.

“It is now the time to come together as a Democratic party,” Dodd said at a morning press conference, adding a few moments later, “I don’t want a campaign that is only divisive here. And there is a danger of it becoming that.”

Now, you may be going, “Who the hell is Chris Dodd?  Is that the guy from ‘American Idol.’”  No, he’s not Daughtry.  In fact, if Dodd were as popular as the rocker he might have fared better in this campaign.  However, while the public may not care who Dodd is supp0rting, his opinion may pull some weight with the Democratic delegates.

[Dodd] has considerable potential influence within the party’s political establishment to make the case that other party leaders need to throw their weight behind Obama to bring the contest to a close. A 27-year veteran of the Senate and a leader of the party’s liberal wing, he came within one vote of becoming of the Senate Democratic Leader in 1994 and served as general chairman of the party during the mid-1990s.

Dodd may not be a dud afterall!  At least not to Obama’s camp.  Sen. Hillary Clinton on the other hand–not so happy.  Although Dodd deflected questions from reporters asking if he is suggesting Clinton withdraw from the race.  Instead he veiled his yes by slyly stating that Bill and Hill:

“have made significant contributions to our country,” Dodd said.. “And I believe very deeply and sincerely this morning that Hillary Clinton will continue to make a significant contribution to our nation in the years to come. But it is now the hour to come together.”

If only I could have listened in on the uncomfortable conversation between Dodd and Clinton Monday night when he told her he decided use his influence to Xerox some more delegate votes for Obama.  Aw…kward.

Long shot presidential candidate Ron Paul regularly pulls in large crowds of supporters, but it looks like they don’t rally for him at the polls.  Case in point?  Paul’s UT Campus rally last Saturday.

According to the Daily Texan, around 4,000 students and supporters stood in front of the UT Tower Saturday to hear him speak.  But at the on-campus Early Vote location at the Flawn Academic Center–within eyesight of the enormous orange wave of coeds in “Hook ‘em, Horns” t-shirts–only 54 people voted for the Texas congressman that day.

Here’s a graph from Burnt Orange Report showing the disparity of voters to supporters:

So he only gets around 50 votes per 4,000 people.  Yes, it is only 1.25 percent, but last time I checked 1 is more than none.  I am sure that is the exact same logic the Paul maniacs follow…  Looks like the number of YouTube hits you get is not directly proportional to the number of votes you will carry.  Who knew?

Get your sniper rifles ready, Democrats!  Today is they day we all find out if old man and consumer advocate Ralph Nader will join in the presidential race and save America from corporate cronies.  Join me as I detail what Nader reveals on ”Meet the Press” as it happens.  Well, at least what I catch when I’m not distracted by his wonky eye.  Does anyone else think his face melting?

8:00 AM  Cue dramatic music as Russert gives the run-down of today’s stories.  He sounds like a robot.  Nader, polls, McCain banging interns!  It’s going to be a good show.

8:01 AM  Russert cuts to the chase and asks Nader will he run for president.

8:02 AM Nader’s wonky eye is explaining all the problems in the country in an attempt to put things in a “context.”  I think he misunderstood the question.

8:03 AM Nader basically says the other candidates suck.  Corporations suck.  Everybody sucks. 

8:04 AM Will he just say yes already!?!?  Nope, talking about slavery now…Wait, I think he just said he’s running for president–at least in that context?

8:05 AM Russert accuses Nader of blowing the presidential election in 2000 and bringing Bush and 9/11 on America.

8:06 AM Quit picking on us little green guys, says Nader.  “Get over it!”

  Continue Reading »

…In reality they will likely post your home address and phone numbers on their blogs if you mess with their leader.  A teacher and Live Journal user “Makkabee” made the mistake of writing a post on his personal blog about an inspired math lesson he used to help his students learn about line graphs.  And poor Makkabee soon incurred the wrath of the Ron Paul Nation.

In the offending post, the teacher wrote about how he “talked about the [presidential] candidates rising or falling, and extending the lines on their graphs, I’d end with “and Ron Paul stayed flat” and add another segment to his straight line near the zero marker.” 

Apparently the kids loved it, but Paul supporters did not.  So they defended the outcast GOP candidate with all the might their love for him and the Internet can muster.  According to a post Makkabee wrote the next day, his real name, phone number and address were on Ron Paul Forums all over cyberspace.  Paul-heads are so good, they should be hired by the CIA to locate Al-Qaida cells.

Yikes.  Let’s just hope they stick to virtual harassment.  Although, Makkabee claims they “reported on his planned movements.”  Hmmm.  Did I ever mention that I was kidding whenever I talked smack about Paul on this blog?  Please, don’t take my lunch money.

Read Makkabee’s egregiously offensive post after the jump.

Continue Reading »

Still not satisfied with your presidential options?  Here are some of the more amusing independent and third-party candidates you can wastecast a vote for in November.   There’s a “vampire,” a marijuana proponent, and a wholistic healer.  God bless America!

“Average Joe” Schriner:  An average Joe for president.  Shriner wants us to “…imagine that!”  The common man with common sense and uncommon solutions wants you to give him your vote once again.  According to his website, Average Joe ran in 2000 and 2004 too.  At least that’s what I gathered from the 0 and 4 crossed out before the 8 in a stroke of graphic genius on his site’s banner.  Here’s what Joe wants you to know: 

“I jog through the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, in a pair of gray sweats. My favorite spot to eat is the “Old-Fashion Hot Dogs” place around the corner (chili-dogs a buck and a quarter). What’s more, I cut my own lawn.  Oh, and I’m running for president.”

Isn’t it great when presidential candidates make their campaign an afterthought?

 Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey:  The Impaler, as his fans affectionately refer to him, is the founding member, and 50 percent of the total membership, of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.  The Federal Election Commission actually recognizes the party.   There is nothing I could possibly say about Sharkey that is better than what he writes about himself on his MySpace page.

“I am asking for everyone to please forget about my religious beliefs.  Yes, I am a satanic vampyre (sic), and a Hecate witch…That is not what I am running on…It’s very simple.  If you want to live in peace and have child molesters, rapists, killers, drug dealers, and terrorists impaled, instead of getting off easy then vote for me.  It’s that simple…I will bring Americans peace of mind.”

Somehow this looks more ominous written in all caps on his site.  Oh, and his mentioning that if you “attack someone I love, killing you will be as easy as breathing to me.  I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa,” disturbs me a little.  Sounds like a good campaign slogan, though:  “I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa.”  He’s got my vote!

Hilarity ensues after the jump.

Continue Reading »