Because I Said So…

Presidential candidate Alan Keyes might be leaving the GOP.  In a conference call with supporters last week, Keyes apparently said staying in the Republican Party would be “an occasion of sin” and he is ready to bolt.

Keyes really dislikes John McCain, in addition to every other candidate, so the Bizzaro World Obama wants no part in selecting the “type of deodorant we need to make a stinking candidate acceptable to conservatives.” A Keyes supporter who took part in the conference call confirmed to Radar that the former Reagan administration official said, “he could no longer remain in the Republican Party.”

But never fear.  The Keyes campaign will not die.  He hinted in January that he might go for a third party bid and an e-mail sent out by the campaign after the call includes a link for supporters who “want to vote for Alan as your 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice on the Constitution Party presidential poll.”

A Keyes message board commenter who claims to have been on the conference call last night said regarding the possibility of a Constitution Party run that, “Alan asked us to pray about it. That’s what he is doing as he is considering these things. He did not say he’s definately [sic] going to do it, but from the tone of things I am going to say it’s very likely.”

Lucky for Keyes, I have the Pope on speed dial.  Well, actually that’s Chili’s, but while I’m waiting for the Pope to get back to me I can put in an order for an Awesome Blossom.  I can’t say it enough:  God bless America.

Alan Keyes — who served as Assistant Secretary of State for under Ronald Reagan and has been hiding out in Texas since February – ended his campaign with an election-eve “Rally for America’s Revival” March 3 at the University of North Texas.

Surely the “complete conservative”  wowed the crowd with gems like this speech from his Lincoln-Reagan Dinner:

 ”If we want to win the victory [as a party], we’ve got to stop pretending to ourselves that we shall win it by scaring people to death with our Hillary masks, our Obama masks, and our bogeyman rhetoric. It has worked once or twice, but I can promise you, it will not work this time — any more than scaring them with Democrat control of Congress secured our victory in 2006. No, if we want their trust back, and their faith back, and their allegiance back, then we must trust the truths upon which this country was built….our allegiance to the authority of our God.”

First, I know I said a “crowd” of supporters would be at Keyes’ gala.  But is five people considered a crowd if three of them are family members, one is a janitor and the other is a homeless guy lured in with the promise of whiskey and a half-eaten egg salad sandwich? 

At any rate I’m sure it was swell.  I hope he wore his “Obama mask” to the rally!

Still not satisfied with your presidential options?  Here are some of the more amusing independent and third-party candidates you can wastecast a vote for in November.   There’s a “vampire,” a marijuana proponent, and a wholistic healer.  God bless America!

“Average Joe” Schriner:  An average Joe for president.  Shriner wants us to “…imagine that!”  The common man with common sense and uncommon solutions wants you to give him your vote once again.  According to his website, Average Joe ran in 2000 and 2004 too.  At least that’s what I gathered from the 0 and 4 crossed out before the 8 in a stroke of graphic genius on his site’s banner.  Here’s what Joe wants you to know: 

“I jog through the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, in a pair of gray sweats. My favorite spot to eat is the “Old-Fashion Hot Dogs” place around the corner (chili-dogs a buck and a quarter). What’s more, I cut my own lawn.  Oh, and I’m running for president.”

Isn’t it great when presidential candidates make their campaign an afterthought?

 Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey:  The Impaler, as his fans affectionately refer to him, is the founding member, and 50 percent of the total membership, of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.  The Federal Election Commission actually recognizes the party.   There is nothing I could possibly say about Sharkey that is better than what he writes about himself on his MySpace page.

“I am asking for everyone to please forget about my religious beliefs.  Yes, I am a satanic vampyre (sic), and a Hecate witch…That is not what I am running on…It’s very simple.  If you want to live in peace and have child molesters, rapists, killers, drug dealers, and terrorists impaled, instead of getting off easy then vote for me.  It’s that simple…I will bring Americans peace of mind.”

Somehow this looks more ominous written in all caps on his site.  Oh, and his mentioning that if you “attack someone I love, killing you will be as easy as breathing to me.  I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa,” disturbs me a little.  Sounds like a good campaign slogan, though:  “I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa.”  He’s got my vote!

Hilarity ensues after the jump.

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Alan Keyes continues touring Texas before the March 4 primary and guess what?  He thinks he can win!  Ignore John McCain’s huge lead in the Republican race and the fact that Keyes is getting nearly zero media coverage.

When asked by The Beaumont Enterprise if he thinks he can pull off the biggest upset in U.S. government history, Keyes replied “of course”:

I am both the most experienced in every respect, and the best candidate. I proved that back in 2000, when I won every single Republican debate.  I think it is just a matter of getting the word out, from the grassroots to the media, to overcome the effort of the elite to destroy the freedom of choice of the American people.

In that same interview Keyes called McCain “barely halfway” (did he just say McCain is in recovery from drugs?) to the Republican bid since he has betrayed so many grassroots conservatives.  Keyes predicts McCain is bound to lose the general election if he is nominated.  Uh…

Keyes also said “the Republican party is being hijacked” by a bunch of liberals in conservatives clothing.  So what is he going to do to get his party back on track?  Win big in Texas of course.  The former U.S. Assistant Secretary of State believes Texas is the key to Keyes’ campaign.  He told Beaumont he has “no plans beyond winning the Texas primary and moving on to the convention, where I believe that the conservatives will come together in order to nominate the kind of alternative that America needs.”

Looks like Bizzaro World Obama is on a mission to save the Republican Party and it all starts–and ends–with Texas.  Anything I could say about this would sound trite.  So, ellipses.

If Ron Paul is a the long-shot Republican presidential candidate, then resident minority for the GOP race Alan Keyes is in another universe.  Now that “World Mayor” Rudy Giuliani has dropped out of the running, leaving Paul impossible to ignore, there is room for Alan Keyes to move into the vacant invisible candidate slot.

Keyes is not even mentioned on CNN’s online list of remaining Republican candidates (he was there in the beginning of January), but the “other” black man running for president is starting to make some noise to let everyone know he’s still in the swing of things.  Keyes is in the midst of a a six-week grassroots tour of Texas, and he plans to camp out in Texas until its primary on March 4.  According to pundits, Texas may become key to the Republican primary if Super Tuesday fails to produce a “presumptive” Republican nominee.

Keyes will also continue his “nationwide radio blitz to counter the media’s virtual blackout of his campaign.”   Recently, Republicans in New York have attempted to remove Keyes from state ballots on the grounds that he has not submitted a list of delegates.  Otherwise, he appears on the ballot in most states.

The former assistant Secretary of State (and trained opera singer–who knew?) is no stranger to animosity and controversy.   This will be Keyes’ third long-shot run for the presidency.  The last time he ran for national office was in 2004 when the Illinois Republican Party drafted Keyes to run against Barack Obama for U.S. Senate.  Keyes became infamous for slamming his competitor, and he’s up to the same antics in this race.

Keyes launched a blistering attack against Mitt Romney on the issue of gay marriage saying:

“Mitt Romney is single-handedly responsible for instituting same-sex marriage in Massachusetts….Mitt Romney pushed through same-sex marriage all by himself, in the absence of any authority or requirement to do so, having a complete misunderstanding of his role as governor and of the significance of the court’s opinion.”

Clearly, Keyes has some very conservative views of homosexuality.  And since he is so outspoken about the issue, in the grand scheme of Republican ironies, this means either he or someone in his family must be gay–his daughter Maya is a lesbian and rumored to have been “cut-off” by Keyes when she came out to her family in 2005. 

While, Keyes failed to register more than a few thousand votes combined in New Hampshire, Iowa, and other early states, he might be in luck if Mitt Romney and Huckabee are forced from the race after Super Tuesday.  And if Keyes keeps up the sound and fury maybe big media will recognize him as a candidate.  He should ask Paul for some tips.

For fun here is a YouTube clip of Keyes from 2004 discussing his views on homosexuality.  How poised and not-homophobic is he, eh, eh?