Feb 18 2008
These candidates prove anyone can be president…even you!
Still not satisfied with your presidential options? Here are some of the more amusing independent and third-party candidates you can wastecast a vote for in November. There’s a “vampire,” a marijuana proponent, and a wholistic healer. God bless America!
“Average Joe” Schriner: An average Joe for president. Shriner wants us to “…imagine that!” The common man with common sense and uncommon solutions wants you to give him your vote once again. According to his website, Average Joe ran in 2000 and 2004 too. At least that’s what I gathered from the 0 and 4 crossed out before the 8 in a stroke of graphic genius on his site’s banner. Here’s what Joe wants you to know:
“I jog through the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, in a pair of gray sweats. My favorite spot to eat is the “Old-Fashion Hot Dogs” place around the corner (chili-dogs a buck and a quarter). What’s more, I cut my own lawn. Oh, and I’m running for president.”
“I jog through the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, in a pair of gray sweats. My favorite spot to eat is the “Old-Fashion Hot Dogs” place around the corner (chili-dogs a buck and a quarter). What’s more, I cut my own lawn. Oh, and I’m running for president.”
Isn’t it great when presidential candidates make their campaign an afterthought?
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey: The Impaler, as his fans affectionately refer to him, is the founding member, and 50 percent of the total membership, of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. The Federal Election Commission actually recognizes the party. There is nothing I could possibly say about Sharkey that is better than what he writes about himself on his MySpace page.
“I am asking for everyone to please forget about my religious beliefs. Yes, I am a satanic vampyre (sic), and a Hecate witch…That is not what I am running on…It’s very simple. If you want to live in peace and have child molesters, rapists, killers, drug dealers, and terrorists impaled, instead of getting off easy then vote for me. It’s that simple…I will bring Americans peace of mind.”
Somehow this looks more ominous written in all caps on his site. Oh, and his mentioning that if you “attack someone I love, killing you will be as easy as breathing to me. I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa,” disturbs me a little. Sounds like a good campaign slogan, though: “I will make Rambo look like Mother Teresa.” He’s got my vote!
Hilarity ensues after the jump.
Da Vid: He’s an artist and the founder of the Light Party. Apparently, the Light Party, a ”wholistic, proactive, educational, empowerment party is a synthesis of the Republican, Democratic, Libertarian and Green Parties.” They have formulated a practical, synergistic 7-point program which addresses and resolves our current socio-economic and ecological challenges which you can read about here.
I challenge everyone to read about this party and explain it to me “Light Party for Dummies” style. Anyhow, if you are into “peacefests,” Da Vid is for you.
Cris Ericson: She is running for president in Vermont as a member of the Marijuana Party. And yes, members of the Marijuana party do want to legalize Mary Jane. The solitaire entry on the guest book on her website reads, “Good Luck with the Election and the Band. We need more women like you in rock and politics!! rock on.”
By the way, this is her cat…
